Adult children of emotionally immature parents

highlights

Chapter: 54
Sentence: This isn’t a social urge, like wanting people to chat with; it’s a powerful hunger to connect heart to heart with a like-minded person who can understand them.
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Chapter: 54
Sentence: From chapter 4, you may recall that this need for emotional responsiveness and reciprocal interaction from the parent is normal in securely attached babies.
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Chapter: 54
Sentence: When internalizing children have self-involved parents, they often think that being helpful and hiding their needs will win their parents’ love.
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Chapter: 54
Sentence: Unfortunately, being counted on isn’t the same thing as being loved, and the emotional emptiness of this strategy eventually becomes apparent.
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Chapter: 54
Sentence: Nevertheless, these children come to believe that the price of making a connection is to put other people first and treat them as more important.
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Chapter: 54
Sentence: To compensate for this lack of connection, Logan often tried to make people smile and feel good.
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Chapter: 55
Sentence: According to neuroscientist Stephen Porges (2011), mammals have evolved a unique coping instinct in which they are calmed by proximity or engagement with others.
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Chapter: 55
Sentence: The danger might not go away, but individuals can stay relatively calm as long as they feel tied into their herd, pack, or circle of loved ones.
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Chapter: 55
Sentence: Most mammals have stressful lives, but thanks to their instinct for engaging with others, calming comfort and restored energy are just a friendly contact away.
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Chapter: 55
Sentence: Even if they’ve been shamed by an unresponsive parent for needing attention, their emotional needs show that their healthy mammalian instinct for seeking comfort is working well.
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Chapter: 55
Sentence: Externalizers also have needs for emotional comforting, but they tend to force such needs on other people, taking others emotionally hostage with their reactivity.
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Chapter: 55
Sentence: Externalizers simply don’t know how to reach out for soothing.
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Chapter: 55
Sentence: It takes a lot to calm them, and even then they still seem vaguely mistrustful and dissatisfied because they aren’t open to connecting fully.
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